Have you you ever gotten to the end of a day and reflected on what you accomplished, only to realize that for the most part you gave and others took? Maybe most days look like this for you? Now, I get it when you have young children at home pretty much all you do is give and get very little in return. That may be the season of parenthood you are in and the needs of your kids are still primarily met by you, but I am talking about what other things do you give your time and energy to that often leads to stress, drains your energy or keeps you from the things that are really important to you?
Do you say Yes to every person that needs something from you? Do you always agree to every work project that comes your way? Do you check email at all hours of the day and reply to text messages and social media posts immediately? Technology is an amazing thing, but it often creeps into every facet of our lives so we no longer see the impact it is having on our well-being.
Boundaries allow us to create space for the things that we really want to be doing and leads to decreased stress, improved energy, happiness and contentedness and a whole myriad of other things because you now have control over your most valuable resources….time and energy.
In the past, many tactics focused on time management alone and didn’t really discuss how you felt about things you spent time on, but by being more selective and purposeful about managing our energy along with time and setting boundaries we can start to move to a healthier, happier life.
How to set boundaries using the 5×5 method:
- Write down a list of 5 things that are most important to you (whether you are doing them or not)
- Write down a list of 5 things that you currently do regularly that zaps your energy, takes up your time or creates stress
- Identify 5 boundaries that if followed would help you manage the list of things that zap energy and create stress. The boundaries also align to the 5 things that matter most
- Start with 1-2 boundaries and practice them 3 times the first week and add a day for the next 4 weeks.
- Add a new boundary from your list of 5 every 5 weeks until you have accomplished all of them. Yes it will take time, but the idea is to get proficient and have success slowly so that the boundaries you have created will become part of how you live your life.
Not sure where to get started? Check out this example from a client.
Julie was having a really hard time keeping up with work and home responsibilities, she had gained 10 pounds, felt exhausted by late morning, rarely got breakfast because she was rushing out the door with her kids, felt stressed and burnt out at work because there was never enough time in the day to accomplish everything and had been fighting with her spouse. After completing the 5×5 method she recognized her need for boundaries to achieve a healthier version of herself and create space for the things that matter most to her.
Julie’s 5×5 Boundary Plan:
- 5 Things that are important
- Spending time with my kids and spouse
- Walking 3 times a week for 30 minutes
- Going to bed at 10:00 pm every night
- Volunteering at the assisted living center
- Eating every couple of hours throughout the day to maintain energy
- 5 Things that take your time, zap energy and keep you from the life you desire
- Working on project at work that her boss asked her to do, but is taking a lot of time from her other job responsibilities and causing her to work additional hours after the workday
- Not planning dinners for her family in advance so she is left rushing around trying to make something or go to the store which resulted in late meals
- Getting too little sleep
- Taking calls from a friend who wants to chat for long periods of time
- Checking emails before and after work hours
- 5 Boundaries
- I will talk with my boss about my current project to see if there is anyone who has the capacity to assist and in the future I will say No to things that do not align to my development.
- No checking email before 8:00 am
- I will schedule time to talk with friends two days a week
- Bedtime routine started at 9:30 pm – stop all other activities
- Only allowing work projects for 1 hour on Sunday evening between 7-8 pm
Benefits of Boundary Setting?
After implementing some of the boundaries Julie had created and getting support through health coaching, she found that she had more time to fit in walking, was less stressed due to not constantly knowing what was happening at work, was able to get to bed at a regular time because she didn’t allow evening activities to keep going long after 10:00 pm and had more quality time with her kids because she didn’t feel stressed. She has lost 5 pounds and reports feeling happier.
What could the benefits be for you?
Many people believe setting boundaries may cause people to not trust them, that they may miss out on job opportunities or they won’t be asked to do things with others, but in actuality individuals who set boundaries and follow them have greater self-awareness, are happier, do things for themselves, are less stressed and anxious and report better social connections. The key is communication.
It is important once you have created boundaries to communicate those boundaries to those that may be affected by them. Family, friends, co-workers, boss, church community, etc. are all important people to share the boundaries you have set that may affect how they interact with you. Communicating what you will be doing as well as the reason why you have chosen to do them will give others visibility into what to expect from you and give them an understanding of your motivations. Remember they are used to you acting in a certain way and by being up front with any changes you make will decrease the chance for them to assume anything or for miscommunication.
Ready to stop saying YES to all, tired of checking email/text that is followed by stress and anxiety and worn out by never seeming to have the energy for the things you most want to do? You don’t have to resolve to live life as you currently know it. Create boundaries and start moving towards more control over where you put your energy and how you spend your time.
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