Over the past few weeks, I have found myself repeatedly thinking about a very dear childhood friend. She and I spent most of our waking hours together throughout middle and high school, we got tattoos together, traveled between the colleges we had chosen so that we could see each other, I was the maid of honor in her wedding and was one of the first visitors when her daughter was born. We were like kindred spirits in a way, and as I look back over those years I have very few memories that don’t include her.
Somewhere along the way, we lost connection, we just weren’t as close as we had once been. Life got in the way….new jobs, new spouses, different states, children and pretty soon we would only speak irregularly and spend time together at friends weddings and events. As the years went by, I found myself thinking how much I wanted to reach out, was curious as to what she was up to, but scared that if I did call she wouldn’t want to talk to me, that somehow too much time had passed and that our natural connection to each other would have somehow faded and we would be strangers trying to re-kindle a friendship that was now awkward and strained.
My friend committed suicide 4 years ago this month and I have had a hole ever since. So many questions run through my mind and I always think, “If I had just called her, if only I had been a better friend, if only I hadn’t been so scared to call.” These thoughts are torturous and I cannot imagine the pain that her family feels every day in her absence.
The last almost 8 months with COVID-19 have been difficult for so many of us. Being separated in so many physical aspects and even those individuals with a seemingly strong support system can fall victim to loneliness and sadness at all that has changed in our world. Stress caused by the mountain of change is often left undealt with and can lead to other problems.
Maybe you can relate…..maybe you have lost someone to suicide, maybe you have felt isolated (even with your kids and spouse in the same house), maybe you just feel down and are trying to process everything that has happened and what is yet to come? The point is, we need to reach out to one another and check in now more than ever, we need to create healthy behaviors in our own lives to counteract the daily changes.
October is National Mental Health Month and while it is crucially important we focus on mental health year round, this month provides added resources and a time for us to reconnect with ourselves and others. I write this blog as a reminder that our mental health is just as, if not more important to our well-being than just diet and exercise which gets the majority of air time. In the past, even uttering the words mental health held a stigma with it and for so many Americans today it is still something that is hidden in the shadows and not discussed. Mental health disorders affect almost 50% of US adults at some point in their lifetime, yet only a small percentage seek professional help and support.
Three mental health actions to take today that benefit you and someone else:
- While parts of the country are at different points of reopening, take time to connect with a phone call or card, walk with a friend (if appropriate) and take time to really listen. Find someone who really listens to you. Even a quick text or email can have profound effects on another’s emotional/mental state. We have an opportunity to be part of a solution to nurture real personal relationships not only for our mental health and the mental health of others, but to model that for our kids.
- Get out and move – force yourself, even if you don’t feel like it or you don’t think you have the time to move your body for 30 minutes each day (break it up into 10 minute increments if 30 minutes all at once is too much), take note of how you feel before your activity and revisit your emotional/mental state when you are done. My bet is you feel better with a more positive outlook. Movement releases endorphins in the hypothalamus and pituitary gland resulting in euphoria and a general feeling of well-being.
- Positive Self – talk – be kind to yourself. How often do you find yourself saying negative things either out loud or inside your head? Negative self talk is hard to overcome, but by reframing a negative thought or comment with something positive you can change your natural responses and bolster your mental health. Not only does this have profound effects on your personal mental health, it can help children to learn to be kind to themselves as well.
I am not suggesting that the above tips will fix mental illness and for many other modalities (counseling, medications, etc) are necessary, but make a commitment to yourself and those around you to be a catalyst of positivity and connection. Reach out by phone, schedule time or send a handwritten note to those that you love and care about. Re-kindle a friendship or a relationship with a family member, no matter how much time has passed or how scared you are that they will reject you. They may need that olive branch just as much as you. Check in on a neighbor, call an assisted living center and ask how you can help lonely seniors during this time, send an email to a teacher, etc.
I will never know for sure what my friend was thinking or why she chose to take her life, but what I can guess is that she felt alone and like she had no other choice. What the tragic loss of her life does tell me, is that I don’t want to go through life thinking that I have tomorrow because tomorrow may not exist. I only have now and I can choose how I impact my life and those around me. The impact you have to someone else cannot always be seen, but it may change their whole life.
If you or someone you know is suffering from mental illness, reach out, find support and seek professional help. We are in this together, let’s help raise each other up!
Links to additional resources:
https://www.mentalhealth.gov/basics/what-is-mental-health
Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
https://www.cdc.gov/mentalhealth/index.htm
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