Why is it that we are able to compliment a friend, filter (for the most part) what we communicate to others in an effort to make someone feel better or show compassion when a colleague is having a rough day, yet when those same courtesies are turned inward and directed at our own self we tend to focus on all the negative things we bring to the table and all the things wrong with how we handled a situation.
A friend of mine was telling me about a work project she had been preparing for and when she went to give her presentation she got tripped up when one of the attendees asked a question about one of the slides. Even though she managed to get back on track all my friend could focus on was the part of the presentation that didn’t go well and all the reasons she had failed. I heard her say things like: “I am so stupid”….”I can’t believe that I wasn’t more prepared” (even though she had prepared for a long time) and “I am sure that I will never get that new job opportunity because I did such a terrible job.” At one point our conversation even turned to how she looked and all the things she didn’t like about herself. Sound familiar? Why is that all to often we focus on what we didn’t do well, parts of our body we can’t change and any other shortcoming we may have? Is it a lie that someone else once told us that we now believe, maybe we think we look humble to bring forth all the things we lack or is it possible we just don’t believe we are worthy of treating ourselves kindly?
Let me ask you, if you were her friend what would you have said? You would have told her that she did a great job, that she prepared as much as she could, that she is beautiful, that everyone gets tripped up now and then, that she is more than this one presentation. Why is it so hard to say those words to ourselves? We have all been there. It could be the last look in the mirror and all you see are the lines around your eyes, the things we don’t like about our hair or face or how our clothes are fitting. It could be a challenge with our kids where we feel that we are failing as a mom or when we have a fight with our spouse and all the reasons we are a terrible wife runs through our minds. Pyschologist, Dr. Kristin Neff says that “With self compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.” Take that in for a moment……do you do that? Ever?
A book that I love called, “How Full Is Your Bucket,” states that it takes 4 positive thoughts or comments to outweigh 1 negative. The book focuses on the proverbial bucket filled with water. When you or someone else says something negative you dip water out of your bucket or the bucket of someone else. When a positive sentiment is shared the bucket is filled. Imagine that bucket when you think of yourself and the running commentary playing in your brain. Is it more kind than critical? Is your bucket full or empty? Do you fill the bucket of others or dip from theirs?
While it is important to be realistic and to provide your self constructive feedback, the key term is constructive. There needs to be an honest assessment and a productive solution if applicable. Take for example the friend with the presentation. Maybe there is a potential strategy for her next presentation to avoid a future snafu, but the difference is to remove the self-judgement. Self-compassionate individuals take time to acknowledge their negative thought or feeling but treat themselves gently while reflecting.
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According to Psychology Today, over the last decade, research has shown a positive correlation between self-compassionate individuals and psychological well-being. Those individuals with self-compassion also have: greater social connectedness, happiness, overall life satisfaction, less anxiety, decreased chances of depression, shame and fear of failure. In addition, individuals with a strong sense of self-compassion are less likely to be in abusive relationships.
I recently held a virtual program focused on resetting your life. During the program I provided information on lifestyle modifications and helped participants create actionable steps to improve areas that were of most concern in their individual life. As part of the program, one of the exercises that I asked participants to engage in, was related to positive self-talk. I asked participants to keep sticky notes by their bathroom mirror and each morning (over the 14 days) when they were getting ready for the day they had to write down one thing they appreciated or liked about themselves or a strength they had. Then they were to stick the note to their mirror so that they could read the affirmation each time they looked in the mirror.
I sent a text to the group after the first day to see how this exercise had gone and most of the women shared how difficult writing something down was. At the end of the first week, during our weekly recap I again asked the participants how the sticky note challenge was going. Every woman stated how hard it was, two of them had not written anything for a few days because they couldn’t think of anything and another person wanted to know specifically what type of thing they should write. I was saddened by this because I could see the amazing qualities these women had, yet they couldn’t see it in themselves, let alone verbalize it. At the end of the two weeks I asked the women to send me a picture of the notes on their mirror and I posted them during our last call. Those that participated said that while the exercise was harder than they had expected, they felt empowered and proud of what they had identified about themselves.
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While some people worry that too much positive self-talk will lead to narcissism, I would argue that the majority of moms still have a long way to go regarding compassion for ourselves. If you are someone who struggles with critical self-talk, the first step is to recognize when a negative thought crosses your mind to acknowledge it. Awareness leads to the ability to change the voice in your head, to focus on what you did well, what parts of your body you are most proud of and what unique strengths you have that makes you special. It will take time and it will take a conscious effort but little by little you are re-wiring your normal response and over time the critical voice will be less loud.
My brother in law told me about these great journals by Best Self Co. They are awesome and I have since bought a number of them for friends and include one in my private coaching packages. The journal has space for goal setting, gratitude, self development, reflection and allows you to break down your schedule (or get on one 🙂 ) to help you achieve your goals. I am obsessed with mine! Check out the Best Self Co. website and utilize the code: sbwellcoach at checkout to get 15% off your order. I am not joking you will love this journal!! Yes it does require you to write in the journal to see impact, but it creates a clear path from where you are to where you want to be.
After you finish reading this, tell yourself 2 things that you love about yourself. Maybe it is your eyes, the way your hair holds curls, the ability you have to make people feel comfortable or how quickly you can diffuse a difficult situation. Whatever it is, you have amazing gifts that are uniquely yours. Believe that you deserve them….all of them! The world is so lucky you are in it!
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